Welded Together with Gold

Non-State Actress Begins

I haven’t spoken at a public event in 2 years, almost exactly. That streak ended today* and gave me cause for reflection.

I committed myself to writing and sharing that writing, setting a 1 Dec 2022 deadline for the latter. I intended to share a summary of my book project in my first post, but “life finds a way.” What follows are my thoughts on the last two years and is hopefully and importantly a love letter to the people who have seen me through. I am sharing this in gratitude, and to push myself out of my comfort zone. I know this small act of bravery will remind me to keep going on the harder days.

Sometimes things are hard and scary.

It’s been two years since the “perfect” storm of over a half dozen separate threads- QAnon, incels, a sexual harassment and assault investigation that led to more than 50 other people coming forward, a poorly-worded on my part description of piece of technology, a bunch of rumors leading to disinformation and slander, all came together into a still-ongoing barrage of harassment, threats of violence, and chaos. (There is something to be written about being a leader in the national security world, a woman, and under constant threat and harassment all at the same time. That is for another day.)

I’ve lost friends, people I thought were my friends, colleagues and working relationships, and my feelings of safety and stability. Coupled with a significant medical condition I thought I could hide forever, there were times I couldn’t imagine anything except continued destruction and loss of myself. I even left Washington for the other side of the country because I just…couldn’t. Looking at it now, it was worse than I could grasp and not nearly as bad as it could have been.

And because I’m human, I didn’t handle it with grace every step of the way.

There were days, and weeks, and maybe even months where most of what I could muster was fear and anger. As a result, I was not always my best self. I couldn’t always tell the difference between friend and foe and forgot that most of the time people are neither. It wore me and people who love me down emotionally, mentally, and physically. I met isolation with more isolation, and lost hope in so many of the institutions and processes I have always loved. There were days where I struggled to see the good in all people, something I’ve centered my whole life around. That is what scared me the most.

I couldn’t help but see what felt to me like the inaction of people, especially other women, I had continuously gone to bat with or for.  I was drowning in front of so many people who couldn’t even be bothered to acknowledge it, and that hurt more than those who actively and intentionally pulled away because it made me think I was imagining it all.And what made it worse was that those who did show up for me in a way I could see seemed to be suffering, too. It felt like the whole world was punching down. I found myself wondering if my love for Washington and “my community” was built on a reality that never existed. It was crushing.

Somehow though, I am not crushed. Cracked? Yes. But I can confidently say the cracks are welded together with gold and I am stronger and shinier for it. Different, too.

This experience is not over, and its ramifications will be a part of my personal and professional story for the rest of my life. Some of that is fair, and most of it is not. On days where someone goes out of their way to make me feel physically unsafe, or I lose out on opportunities because of a reputation that is coated in “ick” for reasons that are more often than not not true, I stand by the choices I made and how I handled them. I will never regret yelling fire when there was one. I won’t regret my mistakes either, because *no one* is perfect and we are allowed to miss the mark as long as it is without malicious intent. More importantly, I learned how and will can do better next time.

Welded Together with Gold

Part of growing up means growing into yourself. Turning 30 in April, I felt so far from where I wanted to be and also light years ahead of where I even dreamed I could go. As I look forward, one of the things I am most grounded by is a better understanding what it means to have Your People in your life. I have survived and have a chance at thriving because of My People.

In addition to a loving and compassionate partner and “bio” fam, there people like Lindsay, Kori, Nora, Kellee and McDaniel, Joe, Marcus and Teresa, Marnae and Rory, LZA, SK, Kat and Frida, Jackie F, Gabriela, Cori, Caroline B, Mieke, The entire Wittes Team, Jer, Holly and Jimmy, Cindy, Bridget, Marcus and Teresa, Paul A, Jack, Rebecca and Pablo, Rob, Kate K, Kate B, to name just a few…who show up to get in the weeds and the mud with me. They’ve made time, and in many cases an awful lot of space, for me even at my messiest. Without them, I can’t imagine finding my feet or my joy again.

As 2022 comes to a close, I am not naive enough to think I’m “over” it. I’ll never be over it, and that’s okay. This ongoing chapter will shape me and my future, but I know I will have the last word. I have so much to be proud of and even more to look forward to. Fear and hurt are a part of life. The presence of either do not make us weak or simple, and they give us the chance to be resilient and brave. I see the world differently now, but also more vibrantly. I see more bad, more neutral, but also more good. I am much more at peace with who I am, and much less afraid of my own strength than I was 2 years ago.

Most importantly, I am still committed to working in pursuit of a better world without compromising my values or needlessly relenting to “less mess.” Doing the right thing, big or small, can be hard. It is still worth doing, and your people will have your back.

So, here goes nothing. I promise the next post will be about the book.

*I want to express my gratitude to Diane, Keeley, and Andrew of Foreign Policy and Connie L. of Google for stepping in effortlessly at an event when things got scary for a minute. I am so honored to have participated in the #FPHerPower Summit, and am grateful for the work you all do.